The weekend came and went and there was a lot happening in my little head. My emotional level was up, then down, then up, then down... I was beginning to feel a little bipolar... and kinda still do. It's weird not being able to escape from the constant barrage of emotions. I used to have a few shots of tequila or whatever and then all would be well in Sheila world. I did try, and failed, to pacify my emotions in other unhealthy ways, I ate a lot (success till I felt completely fat), I wanted to go dance and make out with a stranger in a dark room (failed completely... didn't find a dark room, let alone a stranger), participated in risque text behavior that could potentially lead to more (momentary pacifier and ego boost, but overall execution failed- probably best in the long run), and the list of dumb, not so dumb and down right stupid things continues.
Why is it so effing hard to deal with a little rejection!? Seriously, I've been handling it for 26 years one would think I'd have earned a metal by now, and have a standard coping mechanism. Nope,I continue to over indulge in chocolate, and cry at stupid love songs that don't apply to the situation, and in general feel sorry for myself. It's PATHETIC!!! It's not like I'm super flawed, or he's a nincompoop it just didn't work!
So, I wondered if perhaps I was being too hard on myself. Maybe it's the rain that's making me feel so down and lonely. I mean, the lonely part is kinda dumb cause I'm surrounded by people all the time... but I do feel the loss of physical comfort. Anyway, before I go back to my poor me rant... could the gray days, that usually propel me to contemplation and reflection be contributing to sadness? Maybe. Or is it hormones... not that you'll all want to know, but I'm awaiting the monthly and since I quit drinking they seem to get worse and worse on the emotions. Or could it be that I have numbed out for so long that any little trigger sends me on an emotional "bender."
I'm not sure how all this pans out... I don't know how long I get to live on this emotional roller coaster or if, like life, it's a never ending ride. I fully understand that there are no easy answers and that living in my head is just rough sometimes, but it is nice to go on a holiday sometimes. I think I'm going to do that this weekend. I'm going to run away, alone, and maybe just maybe, I'll figure some stuff out! At the very least I can cry for hours and no one will bother me (it's a great AB work out if you've never tried it). I could even, I don't know, pray about it... hmmmm, could there be a spiritual solution to this malady (boy am I thick or what)? This too shall pass!
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