Paralyzing feelings = Paralyzing fear

Why is it that some people have all the courage in the world and others (me) don't want to put anything out there into the universe? I don't want to share my mediocrity and sarcasm for fear that you may actually get a clue as to who I am... DUMB! Who the F*&K cares who I am. Really, I'm not being flippant here, but let's face it... little ole me is uninteresting to billions of people... yep billions. There are a few people however who are interested in me, and those people are the ones I love! So really all those people know my feelings and fears (I'm not really one of those closed off types)and mostly what makes me tick so what is so darn scary?

Yeah, I had to rant a little, I know this is your basic diary crap, but I'm frustrated. I just went to see a play called [Title of Show] and it was about four people writing a play... that's right, they were writing a musical and putting that dialogue in the musical and it was WONDERFUL, guess what... I was also COMPLETELY interested. There was a song in there called Die Vampire Die that went over conquering our creative fears that hold a person down... and how one little defining moment, when you just say I'm just doing it... and then do... can produce something wonderful.

I have a friend who has conquered this vampire thing... or he's just ignoring it altogether, and I am envious of his world. Not because he has achieved world wide fame, although I'm sure he's well on his way... but because he has the balls (yeah I said it) to do it... to share it... and to take whatever heartbreak comes with it... I need to go to the balls store now!!! I don't have aspirations of getting famous, I just want to have the guts, the gumption, the I'm taking no prisoners attitude to really enjoy my life. To CREATE something that is productive, helpful, and meaningful. I know we all have our piece of the puzzle that contributes to the whole, I know there's a harmony in the undertow of chaos in life, I've heard it, I just forgot to keep singing.